We Can Do Hard Things

Chapter 1: Why am I like this?

Understanding Origins of Self:

We carry patterns from our family of origin, adapting to survive by magnifying parts that earn love and hiding what doesn't. This can involve emotional monitoring (living as a fixer in hyperactive awareness of others' experiences) or speaking in extremes to be seen.

Attachment Styles formed in early childhood (before age two) influence relationships, from feeling safe and secure to insecure patterns, but can be moved from insecure to secure. Adult attraction often activates these earliest attachment patterns.

Family Roles are adopted to keep peace and adapt to family stress, such as the Hero/Perfect One, Scapegoat/Rebel, Parentified Child, Peacemaker/Mascot, Lost Child/Easy One, or Identified Patient. These roles, though initially for survival, prevent developing into one's full self. Realizing they are a "scam" allows one to "put down your script" and become one's full, complicated self.

We carry the trauma and triumphs of our ancestors, with epigenetics showing that not only suffering but also strength and vigilance can be passed down. Our part is to attend to and transform this lineage.

What happened to me shaped me: Trauma is not conscious, often experienced as "too much, too fast, too soon, or too long without enough repair". Pervasive trauma can be perceived as personality traits, and dissociation (leaving the body) is a common, often necessary, trauma response that can extend into later life. Humor can also be a coping mechanism for early bullying or self-hatred.

Embracing Complexity of Self:

We have many selves inside of me, like a community of "autonomous little parts" (Internal Family Systems). These parts, initially innocent, take on extreme roles due to trauma to protect us and carry emotional burdens. Healing involves hearing and understanding these parts, recognizing they have "old information" and need an update that we are safe now.

External Influences:

We are shaped by culture's boxes, which limit options for sexuality, gender, work, and motherhood, serving the "order of things" rather than the individual. This includes cultural ideas about which bodies are valuable, leading to body hierarchy, thinness for power, and systemic discrimination based on race, disability, and gender.

We are shaped by culture's insistence that value is in productivity, leading to hustle culture and the lie that our bodies breaking down is a character flaw. Rest is presented as a vehicle to disrupt grind culture.

The desire to belong is primal, but often we settle for "fake belonging" by abandoning individuality to fit in. True belonging doesn't require change, but being who we are. High-control groups use ranking systems and mistrust of intuition to control.

Core Truths for Understanding Self:

I am already everything I need to be. It's about excavating innate possibility, not acquiring new skills. Believing messages of deficiency benefits those who profit from that belief.

I am someone I can trust. We are a community of parts, but also possess a "capital-S Self" – our wisest, original intelligence, untraumatized, whole, and capable of making best decisions. This Self has eight C's: Calm, Curiosity, Compassion, Connectedness, Confidence, Creativity, Courage, Clarity.

I am not my thoughts. Thoughts can be untrustworthy, especially with conditions like OCD. The "noticer" of thoughts is our soul/consciousness.

I am worthy of kindness. Radical self-love is an inherent sense of enoughness, a divine birthright.

I am connected to everything and everyone. The "splendor of recognition" suggests divinity is hidden within us, waiting to be found.

Chapter 4: How do I return to myself?

Navigating Life's Journey:

Life is a constant process of getting lost and found, requiring "Touch Trees" – practices and truths to return to.

Practices for Self-Return:

Be gentle with all of my selves: Recognize that previous versions of ourselves did their best with what they knew. Forgive, embrace, and celebrate every past self, and sit with inner child's hurt with compassion.

Let myself feel it all: Practice feeling emotions, starting with small "feeling sessions" (e.g., listening to music) to re-learn how to feel after numbing.

Say the thing I’m scared to say: Truth-telling, even when difficult, is liberating and leads to alignment. It can open doors to deeper connection and healing.

Take care of the softest version of me: Create a life that requires less coping by addressing root issues rather than constantly seeking strategies to manage discomfort.

I’m on my own side: Cultivate an unconditional, loving inner voice that affirms "I'm right here," "You can't lose me," and "You haven't done anything wrong". Practice both tender and fierce self-compassion.

I return to nature: Healing oneself is a "love offering to the world". Connecting with nature can foster humility and perspective.

I accept that nothing will change until I do: True activism and justice work starts with inner healing and cultivating groundedness, recognizing one's own well-being fuels the ability to fight for change.

I give my body what it needs: The "bigger my problem, the smaller the solution." Basic human needs like water, writing out stress, crying, focusing on out-breath, and walking are powerful healing practices. Meditation is also critical for an "optimal environment in my home inside of myself".

I trust that there is enough time: Release the rush to "get it right, right now". Reimagining rest beyond a full nap is crucial; it includes small moments of connection with body and mind. Changes are often quiet and slow, like a baby or plant growing.

I remember that I’ve overcome before and I’ll overcome now: Healing is a constant cycle of unlearning and relearning. Practice recognizing safety in the present by asking "Why/Where/How/Who am I safe with?". Self-trust means knowing you can handle "the deep end" and take care of yourself through anything.

Chapter 5: How do I figure out what I want?

Reconnecting with Desire:

Childhood knowledge of desires is often lost in adulthood. The "bread and roses" concept highlights the need for both basic necessities and life's delights, which require freedom and support to access.

Methods for Discovery:

Trust my intuition: There is an inner guide that knows what to do next. Intuition is a real, non-supernatural ability to process unconscious information, felt in the gut, and can be practiced by running toward anything that feels like a few seconds of being alive or freedom. Trusting your "bones" means trusting yourself, recognizing your ability to navigate life. Sometimes, the answer isn't in the head but in the soul, in simple, tangible needs.

Experiment: Life isn't a fixed performance. Try new things to remember what you want.

Flip a coin: The emotional reaction to the coin toss can reveal true preference.

Try a new language: Shift from "I should" to "I want," "I need," "I feel," "I am" to access authentic self.

Decide based on who you are now: Stop shopping for a "future version of me". Make choices based on your present self and desires.

Imagine your eighty-year-old self: Use a clear vision of your truest, most peaceful older self as a lighthouse to guide daily decisions.

Listen to my body: Practice recognizing a "full-body yes" or "full-body no" to feel what is truly desired. The body knows what feels warm/cold, spacious/restrictive, tingly/draining.

Get still enough to notice the tiniest nudge: Quiet and stillness are necessary to hear the body's subtle communications (energy, temperature, impulse) and to ask what needs to be known or what comes next.

Pay attention when I feel bad: Uncomfortable feelings (anxiety, depression, resentment, jealousy) are helpful data points that reveal unmet needs. These deep desires for things like rest, peace, and joy are real and trustworthy. Longing is a map to your soul's desire, meant to be fulfilled.

Let my imagination guide me: Conjure up the truest, most beautiful life, relationship, or world you can imagine and write it down. What can be imagined can be created, acting as "marching orders". Imagination is a doorstop for new possibilities and liberation. Often, we know what we want but are afraid to want it.

Chapter 6: How do I know what to do?

Navigating Decisions:

Life is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book, and big decisions can feel overwhelming. Avoid the "monkey survey" (asking everyone else's opinion) as it's the "farthest thing from wisdom".

Internal Compass for Action:

Live by my own compass: Stop asking for external directions to places others haven't been. Shift from "Is it right for me?" to "Is it for me?". Recognize that "right" and "wrong" are contextual, and you can't please everyone, so focus on pleasing yourself. True knowledge comes from "coming to your senses," not consensus.

Go toward what feels warm: Drop into your body; calm, warm, and free feelings indicate the right answer. Your body will spontaneously relax and feel at peace. An inner guide shows "the next right thing" one step at a time. Recognize red flags when your body resists, like "don't get out of the hot tub".

Let my longing be louder than my fear: When unsure, prioritize deep longing over fear, as fear often comes from social voices. Use lists to clarify desires and potential hardships, ranking what is truly important.

Practice trusting myself with small decisions: Rebuild self-trust by making small decisions, from choosing clothes to declining invitations. Overthinking is a sign of lack of self-trust; "life is improv".

Don’t take the edge off: The "edge" (discomfort, stress) is a catalyst for change. Numbing it leads to a "half life". Listen to the edge to understand what needs to change in your life. The "Directions for Rock Bottom" involves embracing rage and love, finding freedom beyond social pressure.

Choose the hard that's right: Decisions often present a choice between two types of "hard" – short-term pain for liberation or long-term suffering by staying stagnant. Consider your deathbed perspective to guide choices, asking if you'll be happy, sad, or indifferent about the decision.

Chapter 7: How do I do the hard thing?

Embracing Difficulty for Liberation:

Suffering often stems from avoiding a single hard thing, choosing "long-term suffering instead of short-term pain". The "right kind of hard" moves you forward toward your own liberation, even if it's tiring, expensive, lonely, or frightening.

Key Actions for Hard Things:

Tell the truth: Lies are dangerous and lead to harm, while truth leads to alignment and who you are meant to become. Speaking your truth, especially about difficult relationships, is the "beginning of the end, in a good way".

Set and keep boundaries: Boundaries are verbally expressed or behaviorally demonstrated needs. The challenge is not setting the boundary, but "withstanding the discomfort of whatever happens next" (others' feelings, gossip, disapproval). Guilt after setting a boundary is a "faulty check engine light" that doesn't belong to you.

Accept that decisions can be painful and still be right: Pain is an inevitable part of tough decisions and change, but it doesn't mean the decision was wrong. Change involves "small, and sometimes large, deaths". Trust that when you're pushed off a cliff, the universe will catch you.

Do the hard thing I cannot do: Recovery is a "cosmic honor," a courageous leap of faith to live without something you believe you cannot live without. It's about sensing a future self that can live without it and becoming her, trusting "the one I will become will catch me".

Choose the right kind of hard: This involves choosing self-honor over abandoning yourself to meet others' expectations. It means being a "model instead of a martyr," especially for your children, choosing loyalty to truth and love over old ideas or family loyalty that causes harm.

Chapter 8: How do I let go?

Challenging the Concept of "Getting Over It":

Instead of "getting over" things, the authors suggest we are "still under everything". The goal is to "put down what was never ours to carry so we can start living light and free". Surrender is key: accepting that you can't make yourself, your life, or other people different than they are.

Practices of Release:

I release what was supposed to be: The biggest obstacle is the "picture in our head of how things are supposed to be". Obsessing about perfection or "saying the right thing" makes you absent from the moment. The goal is to be present, not perfect, realizing that being present is "not just enough, but perhaps the best thing".

I release the belief that it’s all on me to make things okay: The illusion of control, especially as a parent, is immense. Tragedy can force letting go of the need to be at the center and accept the need for others' help. You cannot strategize someone into recovery; it's a miracle you can only support and accept. Letting go of certainty doesn't make you less safe; it acknowledges reality and allows you to "un-God" yourself.

I accept that I can’t fix someone and love them at the same time: Codependency stems from trying to "fix" people. This can lead to a relationship with their behaviors rather than with them. Learning to not carry others' pain is crucial for self-preservation.

I’m willing to let go of connection: Forgiveness can mean releasing a connection. It's choosing to release the need to have anything left between you, moving beyond anger or contempt as a form of connection. Endings are a necessary and beautiful stage of a creative life, to be celebrated as much as beginnings. Rituals can help honor intimacy while transitioning or ending a relationship.

I stop seeking closure from others and I give it to myself: Ambiguous loss highlights that "knowing" all facts may not lead to "The Truth". Releasing the need for answers into mystery can bring peace and is often more aligned with reality.

I set my kids free: The paradox of parenting is that you want your children to need you, but your job is for them to not need you. Instead of chasing them, create a "butterfly garden" of a "juicy, beautiful life" that they will want to return to for refueling, seeing you as a steady resource.

I stay focused on my own work and let others do theirs: This involves creating "God's to-do list" (worries beyond your control) and your own (actionable items) to recognize your sphere of influence and regulate yourself. "Our regulation is our responsibility".

I allow life’s brevity to be its magic: The fear of losing control is often the fear of death and impermanence. Embracing brevity allows for deeper appreciation of life. Imagining death not as horror but as joy or deeper connection can be comforting. Trusting in life's brevity feels like "breathing again".

Chapter 9: How do I go on?

Enduring the Unbearable:

The core message is captured by Samuel Beckett: "You must go on. I can't go on. I'll go on". It's about learning the "capacity to carry" the weight of loss, not making it lighter, and recognizing that both "this is hard" and "I am doing it" can be true simultaneously.

Navigating Grief:

I let my grief lead: Allow grief to guide you, letting go of expectations for yourself and giving "permission to just let grief lead". There's no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is a "bill that has to be paid eventually".

I don’t try to get over it: Grief is forever, a "repeated experience of learning to live in the midst of a significant loss". Instead, continue the relationship with the deceased, including them in your life in new ways. Grief doesn't always show up as sadness; it can be love, peace, and inclusion.

I let myself feel it all: Sadness is complex, containing hope, anger, and fear. Surrendering to and naming feelings makes them easier to deal with. Living among "wild ruinous knowing" (the beautiful, terrible, temporary nature of everything) is difficult but ultimately beautiful, fueling big change.

I stop trying to make everything make sense: Find humor and absurdity in bleak circumstances. Alchemy involves transforming the most feared things into something meaningful or beautiful, providing a sense of agency.

Building Connection and Resilience:

I reach out to others: "Sanity in community" is vital, as individual minds can be skewed by trauma. Radical transparency about struggles breeds community and frees from shame and isolation.

I show up and allow others to show up for me: Offer specific help (e.g., sharing memories, bringing food) rather than generic "let me know if you need anything". Show up by "going to keep being here".

I remember that we all grieve and I am not alone: The universal pain of losing a mother (or someone who mothered you) can create a profound sense of closeness with others, strangers included.

Finding New Beginnings:

I find the beginnings in endings: Big life events (loss, diagnosis, recovery) open a "portal" to the truth of mortality, giving access to the life you want to live. This can be a "rebirth," where you re-create meaning around events and gain access to new ways of being and acting.

I move forward one step at a time: Grief comes in waves; stability grows gradually. Learn to provide self-comfort and console yourself, recognizing you have the strength to carry devastating loss. "You can’t shut yourself off to grief without also shutting yourself off to joy".

Chapter 10: How do I make peace with my body?

Body as Home:

The body is our only home; finding peace and comfort within it is essential, as moving externally won't solve internal discomfort.

Challenging Body Shame:

I realize I wasn’t born ashamed of my body, I was taught to be: Society conditions us to see our bodies as problematic, using "cuteness as currency". Messages about "potbellies" or "letting yourself go" teach us our self is tied to appearance. Disabled bodies are often excluded from conceptions of value. The BMI, created to define the "ideal man," contributes to body shame. This conditioning serves to control and profit.

I reject anything that tells me to fear myself or that I’m broken: It's by design that we are indoctrinated into body shame. Breaking free from classist, racist beauty standards and wellness obsession is crucial for individual and collective liberation, as these systems keep us focused on "self-perfection". "If we all decided not to participate in the beauty standard, it would go away". Our "capital-S Self" never tells us we are broken.

Embracing Embodiment:

I listen closely to my body’s needs and I honor them: Treat your body with tenderness, like a thirsty plant. Embodiment is about listening to internal sensations (energy, temperature, impulse) and recognizing that the body is "Team You" and "won't tell you a lie". Kids are intuitive eaters; we can relearn to trust our body's signals for hunger and fullness.

I trust my body, I don’t control it: Control (like anorexia) comes from a lack of trust. Instead of discipline, wait for your "wanting to change". A just relationship with your body means eliminating dominance and coercion.

I focus on what I like instead of what I look like: Find joy in the truth of your body, even if it's not what you were taught should be true. Shift focus from how things "look good on me" to "look good to me". Your body is not your masterpiece; it's your paintbrush to create your life's offering.

Chapter 11: How do I make and keep real friends?

Initiating and Sustaining Friendship:

Friendship requires initiative, like reaching out to strangers. Souls are "made in bunches," and some connections feel ancient.

Core Principles of Friendship:

I prioritize connection: Friendship is not an extra activity but a vital source of energy, creativity, and happiness. Meaningful connections can repair the "tearing of the emotional and social fabric" caused by trauma. For marginalized communities, friendships are a "survival tool".

I take risks: To be liked, you must like. Showing interest and openly admitting "I like you" is vulnerable but brave. Friendship takes effort, not just "happens". Practice leaving space in your social "circle" for others ("horseshoes instead of circles").

I make room for all different types of connection: Differentiate between "capital-F Friends" (deeply known) and "lowercase-f friends" (enjoyable company). Decide who makes you feel you can truly "exist" in your home and life.

I stop hiding my mess: Avoid "packaged vulnerability" (sharing only solved traumas). True vulnerability means sharing your "messy middle" and uncertainty, which fosters genuine connection and allows others to help. "Hi, I'm screwed up. Can we be screwed up together?".

I am brave enough to ask for help: Asking for help is a generous act that creates connection. Many reject "bids for connection" by refusing help due to conditioning that views it as weakness. It allows friends to "rewire your brain with their generosity".

I focus on the relationships I have instead of the ones I don’t: Accept that feeling left out is inevitable. Instead of dwelling on a "not sturdy" branch, acknowledge the "friend tree" of existing and potential connections.

I cheer for my friends relentlessly and I’m always in their corner: Uplifting others fosters confidence, especially against a cultural "scarcity mindset" for women. Envy is "unexpressed admiration".

I say and hear the hard things: "Dynamic safety" in relationships involves rupture and repair, fostering more intimacy than "flaccid safety" (pretending no problems). "Carefrontations" involve taking the risk of awkwardness and conflict for relationship growth. Don't "just leave" a friendship without talking. All of life is a "foxhole," and connection makes it bearable.

I show up through it all: A true friend is accountable, shows up in crisis and joy, and serves as a "soft place to land". Friendships can tether you to the earth, making you feel "held" and "seen up close". The "barnacle" metaphor describes wanting to be stuck to friends through all journeys.

Chapter 12: How do I love my person?

The Journey of Love:

Staying soft and allowing intimacy can be harder than adventures. Love has phases; initial "trance" fades, requiring "more" love in later stages.

Deepening Connection:

I let go of how love should be so I can embrace the love I have: Reject the hierarchy of "lightning-strike love" as the only valid kind. Embrace "comforting summer shower" love – coziness, certainty, and appreciation for the ordinary and precious. Being "outnumbered" in a multi-partner relationship can lead to more personal growth.

I pay close attention: Partners show love by prioritizing each other's happiness and safety, through active listening, physical touch (e.g., "I'm here. I'm with you. We've got this" during hypervigilance), protecting creative joy, and "deep, mutual noticing". Small acts of service, like turning clothes right side out before laundry, can be acts of love.

I let my person show me all of who they are: Good love insists that you show up as your complete self, allowing your partner to witness all your "ugly things," sadness, and fear with dignity and without trying to fix you. It's a "dignity of discomfort" that frees you to transform.

I give my person the freedom to be who they are: True love's first priority is the freedom of the beloved, where a person is "absolutely held in who you are and absolutely free to grow". This includes freedom for "crazy ideas" and renegotiating commitment, based on confidence and the understanding that you wouldn't want someone who didn't want to be with you.

Navigating Challenges in Relationships:

I communicate the longing beneath my criticism: Criticism often masks unmet needs or unfulfilled desires. Focus on expressing the underlying longing ("I miss you," "I'm lonely") rather than complaints to foster productivity and connection.

I welcome conflict as a way to get closer: Conflict is a vehicle for understanding and getting to the root of things. There's a price for saying (vulnerability) and not saying (never being known, slowly dying inside). Conflict is like a "pothole" that can be navigated, or a "flat tire" that can be repaired through conversation. The "sleepy hedgehog" metaphor suggests gently turning toward difficult feelings (loneliness, insecurity, distrust) and communicating their needs to your partner. Conflict often has four "understories": care/concern, respect/recognition, power/control, or stress/overwhelm. Apologies require strength and confidence, and repair can rewrite painful memories for children.

I share the mental load equally: The "CNN ticker" describes the incessant cognitive labor (invisible planning, worrying) that disproportionately falls on one partner, leading to resentment and an unequal quality of life. "How can I help?" can be part of the problem, as it delegates tasks rather than sharing the architectural load. Equal partnership requires both physical and cognitive labor to be shared, ensuring both partners are "holding up the sky".

I’m brave enough to stay and I’m brave enough to leave: Trusting yourself is key; you can never be sure a partner won't abandon you, but you can ensure you never abandon yourself. Ending a relationship can be a brave, hopeful, and creative triumph, a "new beginning".

I try to unknow my person every day: Long-term relationships benefit from cultivating curiosity and "unknowing" your partner, as familiarity can lead to a lack of interest. Doing new things together can activate brain circuits similar to "puppy love" and allow you to see your partner in a fresh way.

Chapter 13: Sex. Am I doing this right?

Rethinking Sexuality:

Culture capitalizes on sex, but women often feel alone and unreconciled. Don't be stuck in the "fancy waiting room" of sexuality; be brave and vulnerable enough to explore the "real show".

Principles for Sexual Exploration:

Sexuality is a lifelong exploration for everyone: Gender preferences are "the least important part of sexuality". It's crucial to define your specific sexual preferences and values for yourself, rather than checking boxes, and approach it with a "beginner's mind" to fully perceive and explore.

Sex is bigger than sex: It doesn't always have to lead to the act itself. It encompasses connection, joy, playfulness, and a "place you go" within yourself and with another. This broader view reduces pressure.

Sex is about creating something new: Without rules or external expectations (like from porn or movies), individuals in disabled bodies, for example, have found incredible ways to experience pleasure through communication. The goal is to "not know what to do and instead allow complete surrender" to what your body naturally wants. Avoid "shoulding" on your sex life, such as focusing on frequency as the sole measure of vitality.

Freedom is the goal: Sexuality is a space to recognize how bodies have been "given away as an apology". "Your body is not an apology". Freedom involves a "full tank" of aliveness and receptive energy, especially for survivors of trauma. Sharing the mental load at home is "incredibly sexy" as it reduces the crushing burden that often inhibits desire.

Desire awakens differently in each of us: Sexual desire is either spontaneous (emerges in anticipation of pleasure) or responsive (emerges in response to pleasure). It's important not to berate oneself for not having spontaneous desire, especially if sex is painful. Dissociation during unsatisfying sex, or "spectatoring," is common. Many married couples experience infrequent sex.

Small Experiments for a Better Sex Life:

Start talking: Discuss sex outside the bedroom. Reframe complaints into positive requests (e.g., "It turns me on when you go nice and slow").

Have a postgame conversation: Talk about what was enjoyable right after sex.

Provide options: Instead of asking "What do you want?", offer specific choices (e.g., "Do you want Mexican, or do you want sushi?").

Lower the bar: Focus on curiosity and "what sounds kind of good right now" rather than maximum pleasure or orgasm.

Make space for physical intimacy: Scheduled "quality time" (not necessarily sex) can create space for connection.

Start with things you’ll never do: Use fantasy as a tool to kindle interest and desire, even discussing "out there" things you'd never actually do.

Create a sex menu: Offer specific types of intimacy (e.g., "fast food" quickie vs. "five-course meal").

Tap into curiosity: Ask "What's something you're curious about trying?" to lower the bar and encourage exploration.

Practice tuning in and communicating: Use practices like sensate focus (non-goal-oriented touching) to learn about each other's touch preferences and communicate.

Let things go wrong: Embrace "fails" and laughter in sex; the goal is authentic and vulnerable sex, not perfect sex.

Dignity and pleasure: Cultivating dignity and worthiness in yourself will allow you to find yourself worthy of pleasure and pursue what kind of pleasure you truly want.

Chapter 14: How do I parent?

Rethinking Parenting:

Stop trying to be a perfect parent; instead, be a better person and let your kids watch you. Show your full humanity (mistakes, fears, anger) so kids learn how to be human. What kids need most is to see "brave, honest, kind people making mistakes and repairing and carrying on".

Core Principles of Parenting:

I see my child for who they actually are: Kids are not "balls of clay" to be molded, but "seeds" with their own innate becoming. Parents are gardeners, nurturing the soil and protecting them as they bloom. Let go of preconceived stories about your children to see them clearly in each moment. Believe your child is a "good kid having a hard time," not a "bad kid doing bad things".

Don’t become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one. Your deep belief in your child's inherent perfection and miraculousness is the only thing that can protect them from the world's shame and judgment.

I teach my child not to abandon themself: Get out of their way and trust their wisdom. Teach them their job is to "disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself," especially you as a parent.

I don’t change my kid to earn the world’s acceptance: The world will judge, but a child will be "alright if she knows that her mother approves of her". Use "nervous mama energy to go out and change the entire world before I’ll attempt to change one hair on her perfect little head". Your fear for them can become their first experience of rejection.

I let my kid feel hard feelings: Resilience comes from having someone present in hard moments. When a child is on an "unhappy bench," sit with them and validate their experience ("I'm so glad you're talking, I believe you, tell me more"). Your job is not to protect them from pain, but to sit beside them through it and tell them they are fireproof. Normalize hard conversations about the world.

I keep serving the tiny pretzels: In "turbulence," remain calm and steady, like a flight attendant. Embodying authority while validating a child's feelings allows you to hold boundaries while still seeing their experience.

I repair: Repairing conflicts with children "photoshopped life," changing the memory by adding accountability and closeness. Misalignments (70% of the time) and repairs are both essential for kids to learn that love involves imperfect people who come back and make things right. Emotionally immature parents struggle with repair, forcing children to supply empathy.

I show my kid my full self: Normalize hard things and share personal challenges (e.g., ADHD, sexuality) so kids don't feel "othered" and learn that they can figure life out too. Explore questions together.

I embrace my unique form of mothering: Mothering is an energy, not solely an identity tied to biology. Reclaim "mother" as a broader concept, recognizing different pathways to purpose and fulfillment beyond biological children. "Bonus parenting" involves selfless acts of faith, earning a place in a child's memory. Effective coparenting prioritizes "people before principles" and relies on individual growth of each parent.

I accept that sometimes love is letting go: The ultimate goal of parenting is for kids to grow into adults who don't need you, but like you and choose to return. Parents transition from "director" to "consultant," but only offer "unsolicited advice" when asked. Sending "loving-kindness" through meditation can maintain connection.

I can give what I never received: Healing from past hurts allows you to parent differently and "reparent" yourself, breaking cycles. Recognize when parental fears (e.g., squashing a child's "bigness") are projected onto children.

I can do things differently: Intergenerational trauma can be healed by bringing "family secrets" out of the shadows and addressing codependent qualities, people-pleasing, and self-hatred. A brave parent "seals the ship" by refusing to pass along the world's cruel messaging and affirming their child's inherent worth.

Chapter 15: Why can’t I be happy?

Happiness and Numbing:

Happiness isn't found by changing external circumstances (e.g., tropical island); personal patterns of stress and overachieving follow. Numbing pain (alcohol, junk food) blocks your "lifeforce" and prevents you from addressing the "edge" – the discomfort that could catalyze real change. Suffering a little each day by listening to the edge helps avoid bigger life suffering.

Cultivating Joy and Presence:

I find joy right here, right now: Question the need to "conquer" or achieve "ownership over beauty". Recognize that beauty is everywhere – in neighbors, sunlight, small moments. Stop the "frantic climb to nowhere"; happiness, success, and love aren't earned but found in the everyday. "Horizon living" (always planning, never arriving) prevents living in the present. Letting go of "too much" and recognizing simple things bring satisfaction is key. Keep a "joy journal" to document and quantify joy in your life, realizing you don't need to "buy" what the world is selling.

I decide what is enough: Challenging a "striving ethos" from immigrant backgrounds or equating worth with ambition. "You are enough" is a powerful deprogramming mantra. Focus on a "flow state" where activities feel blissful and joyous, rather than being driven by external trophies or medals. Believe "We will be happy, so everything will be perfect" rather than waiting for perfection to be happy.

I make room for joy to emerge: Give "heat and air" (space, time, attention) to fuel for fun, joy, desire, and curiosity. The world profits from women not living, so it's a conscious decision to make room for your own fire. Learning to say no (e.g., quitting a non-essential volunteer role) can create space for "fun magnets". Infuse fun into the mundane. Embrace "frivolous" delights, like amaretto cookies or besting GPS times, to experience pure joy.

I notice and name the delights in my life: The "magic" is in how you see and experience the world. Don't feel shame for missing moments of beauty; "catch you in the next round". Delights can be found in small acts of care or intense encouragement, not just in nature.

I stop being a martyr: Protecting your own humanity and divinity makes you more likely to protect others. Joy can be a powerful offering to the world, more effective than constant despair or rage. Nurturing your own joy is the "greatest act of parenting and friendship".

Chapter 16: How do I manage anger?

Understanding Anger's Purpose:

Anger is often an "armor" for deeper, softer, vulnerable emotions like hurt, sadness, or fear. It's a signal, not a character flaw.

Insights into Anger:

Anger is telling me: There is something wrong, not something wrong with me: Often, anger points to pain or systemic oppression rather than personal failing. When "behaving badly," there's usually underlying pain. Rage in mothers is proof of "human limit" to constant demands, not a deficiency in love or patience. Intense anger (rage) indicates "starvation" of needs, as it's a signal that hasn't been heard at lower levels.

Anger is telling me: There is something I must express: When anger arises, it's an opportunity to ask if other emotions are present that you're not recognizing. A "big vocabulary" for emotions, even swearing, can help manage intense feelings.

Anger is telling me: I have unmet needs: Turn toward anger with curiosity, recognizing it as "energy in motion". It's a part of you activated to keep you safe, providing "important information about what is not right for you". It's okay to feel anger, even years after a loss, and still be okay.

Anger is telling me: I can use anger as the fuel I need to make change: Rage can be liberating, allowing for brutal honesty and moving past delicate social expectations. When understood and channeled, anger's "heat and anger" can inspire action and "burn things down" that need to be changed. The systematic shaming of women's anger is because it's the "ultimate change agent".

Chapter 17: How do I forgive?

Redefining Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is often misunderstood; it's not magically stopping hurt or pretending "everything's okay". Instead, it begins with creating boundaries to feel safe, as much of rage can be "rage at me for not creating a boundary". Divorce, for example, can be the "kindest thing".

Steps to Forgive:

I don’t squander my energy on the past: Forgiveness is "giving up on the idea that it was going to be different". It's not your job to make sense of why others treated you poorly. Instead of running toward or away from pain, practice "sitting still" and accepting that there may be "no decision to be made".

I know that forgiveness is between me and me: It doesn't require the other person's participation or agreement on what happened. It's an "inside job," releasing yourself from the burden of carrying resentment. Unforgiveness is corrosive and prevents you from facing "your own stuff" and doing personal work.

I’m willing to let go of connection: Forgiveness can mean releasing a connection, recognizing that "passionate contempt is the second best thing to passionate love," but indifference is the "absolute worst". Harboring unforgiveness is a "shitty consolation prize" for real connection; true forgiveness means releasing the need for anything left between you.

How to Apologize (for the harm doer - to facilitate self-forgiveness):

This is a process of teshuvah (return to the best self).

1. Accept the harm of your action (Confession): Own what you did without explaining intentions; acknowledge the victim's reality, publicly if the harm was public.

2. Prevent yourself from doing it again (Change): Address the root cause of the behavior (therapy, changing habits, education).

3. Make restitution (Make it right): Ask the person who was harmed what they need (money, time, resources). Don't decide for them; accept the consequences.

4. Apologize: Only after steps 1-3 are sincerely worked through. If steps 1-4 are done, forgiveness often happens organically.

I let go of my need to always be the good guy: Accept that you may have been the "bad guy" in someone's story. "Acknowledgments" can honor the harmed person without demanding forgiveness or pretending the harm didn't happen. Forgive yourself quickly to allow for correction and growth. Sometimes, forgiveness is acceptance: "That happened, period. It happened. I learned from it".

Chapter 18: How do I get unstuck?

Understanding Stuckness:

Stuckness is when you're on "autopilot," thinking, saying, or doing things that feel familiar but aren't aligned with who you want to be. Breaking patterns requires changing both actions and beliefs simultaneously ("live as if").

Strategies for Getting Unstuck:

I get still and I get moving:

Stillness: Gather wisdom and energy. Experience "deep, deep stillness" to allow fears and pain to arise without running from them. Your soul "speaks in very simple statements" that you can only hear in quiet. Stillness is the "precursor to everything," collecting potential energy for change.

Moving: Put "motion to emotion" through walking to process feelings. For "necessary dread" (things you know you have to do), practice "Worst Thing, First Thing" to shorten anticipatory misery.

I stop trying to win a losing game: Stop trying to be "superhuman". Stepping off the "hustle wheel" (productivity, visibility) means accepting FOMO and creating your own path. Recognize you are worthy of being "full of life" even if no one else benefits. Aim for "work medium and then rest," saying no to things everyone else might want. Animals (like a chinchilla) can be role models for just existing, reminding us that being alive is beautiful.

I do less instead of more: When feeling the need for more grit or discipline, what's often needed is more help and kindness. Practice "divesting" from things that aren't core to what you care about. A "relaxed body is the most powerful body". Challenge perceived obligations (e.g., constant texting responses). Understand that the world won't end if you can't do it all, and collective strength can lift burdens.

I spend my days the way I want to spend my life: Reorganize your life to prioritize presence with people and thoughtful consumption over "doomscrolling". Use a "values exercise" to align daily activities with what truly matters. Small moments of connection are "most productive" because they make you feel more human and "most myself". Engaging in creative activities (like comic making) can bring you back into your day and show you that life is always in motion. Love yourself through discomfort, turning it into information for healing and becoming a person who will never leave yourself.

Chapter 19: How do I feel better right now?

Immediate Relief Strategies:

Shift from things that make you feel worse (booze, junk food, doomscrolling) to things that activate your senses.

Body & Mind Connection:

I take a deep breath: Practice allowing reality to be as it is, letting go of resistance with each breath. Box breathing and proper diaphragmatic breathing can calm the nervous system and expel "toxic stuff".

I pause: The "magic pause" (around thirty seconds) allows intentionality, wisdom, and creativity to enter before reacting, leading to better outcomes. Use the pause to identify shame, interrogate its "lies," and ground yourself before responding. Emotions last about forty-five seconds if allowed to be felt deeply. Metaphorically "running around the block" involves taking a minute before reacting.

I return to my senses: Perform a body scan to shift awareness away from pain. Place a hand over your heart to remember your worthiness. Feel your feet on the ground to ground yourself in the present moment, where things are often safe. Hold a hot cup of tea to bring attention from a spinning mind to physical sensation. Notice nature (e.g., warblers) to escape "calendar time". Play the vibe with music to shift your emotional state. Reassure yourself and loved ones that "I am here. I am okay" by noticing what is physically present and safe.

I care for my body: Radical self-care (good food, water, sleep, movement, meditation) is the number one priority during a crisis to stabilize your body. Touch is a signal of care, reducing cortisol levels and increasing self-compassion. Massage can be "amends to your body". Physical movement is crucial for well-being.

I am gentle with myself: Self-compassion is wired in us and more effective than self-criticism for motivation and responsibility. Treat yourself with unconditional love and fierceness, as you would a child, allowing for rest when needed.

Shifting Perspective:

I tell myself better stories: Recognize that suffering is compounded by our thoughts about what happens (the "second arrow"). Practice a "theory of abundance" over scarcity, focusing on what you do have rather than what you lack. Understand that "wealth" comes in many forms (friendship, time, love, health, not just money). A "whole family" allows each member to bring their full self, regardless of structure.

I reach for connection: Friendship is a "biggest healing practice" that tethers you to life. Push through the inclination to isolate; connection, even lighthearted laughter, improves well-being. Happy people prioritize time with others and care for others. A "twenty-second strong hug" can settle your body by signaling safety, emphasizing interdependent (not codependent) support.

I get the help I need: Therapy and medicine can be vital tools for mental health, helping you "return to myself" without abandoning your essential self. If feeling suicidal, reach out to crisis hotlines; don't be afraid to ask for a different person if the first doesn't meet your needs.

I rest: Rest is a "meticulous love practice" and a "generative state" that fosters ideas, connection, and spiritual practice. Allow for rest even when things are undone, trusting that "there is enough time" and that life is "always undone". Rest is part of the rhythm of creation.

I delight: Redirect internal focus to outward "small moments" of joy and playfulness. Fun boosts resilience by providing release and emotional strength. Identify "fun magnets" – activities, people, and settings that generate fun. Seek out laughter and even "aggressive compliments" to create a positive ripple effect. "Put yourself in the way of beauty" (sunrises, sunsets) as a simple tool for self-saving.

Chapter 20: What is the point?

Embracing the "Brutiful" Nature of Life:

Life is a "gorgeous, terrifying, lucky heartbreak". The point isn't an objective measurement but how we live it. There's no formula or "solution to the problem of being a person". Embrace "openhanded" living, recognizing moments are magic and impermanent, and the "perpetual human condition" is wanting more.

The "universal human ache" comes from everything being "unbearably brutal and unbearably beautiful at the exact same time". Numbing only makes the beautiful inaccessible; the secret to life is "not about feeling happy—it’s about feeling everything". Life is "brutiful," and for Glennon, "beauty always wins" (51% beauty, 49% brutal).

Transforming Pain and Finding Meaning:

Pain can be transformed into something beautiful, like the "Sarajevo roses" or a butterfly struggling from its cocoon to thrive. When life feels fragile, you notice immense beauty in connection and support.

Birthdays bring us close to the "ache" of mortality, highlighting the preciousness of brief life.

Instead of living every day as if it's your last, live as if it's your first – with "awe and curiosity and wonder". This involves simple pleasures, unstructured time, and following threads of curiosity.

Ordinary is not the lack of extraordinary; it's a "whole other thing with a beautiful cadence and rhythm and purpose and bond and magic". The fear of ordinary might be a fear of "accepting who I am, where I am, and who I'm with—and trusting that it's good enough".

There's a revolutionary power in people being "fully in their bodies" and coming together, realizing connectedness in mundane moments. When we help others or allow ourselves to be helped, we "throw ink on the web that is already there" and "remembering the web that’s always been there".

Making someone feel safe and cared for ("my well-being is tied to your well-being") can have a "massive impact". Keep showing up, speaking up, and being a "fool for something" good. Hope is the "hunch that it was all supposed to be more beautiful than this," and action is stretching towards that beauty.

Follow your "tingle" to find your purpose. Let go of "greatness" to pursue your "wild intention". Your "must" in life is often what "tickles at you".

The point is to affirm "Melody is here," to witness and encourage loved ones, and to put energy only where you most want it to go.

Embrace "I don't know" as "magical, liberating words". There's no "done," no formula, no "enough" except in moments of transcendence. The "masterpiece of our lives can never be finished," so "just keep painting".

Life is "interminable," offering "forever tries" to figure things out, one step at a time. It's about "dancing with the questions". Love exists everywhere, waiting to be embraced; it will catch you.

Stop treating yourself as a "broken car" needing constant fixing. Instead, "hit the road and drive—see things, hear things, eat, drink, be merry, soak it all up." Live "outward and onward".